Good news, after tireless research, I have finally come up with the therapy that has been missing for all these years. It came to me the other evening when I was watching an interminable tale of someone suffering from OCD who took 5 hours to feed her poor dog! Yes, yes, I know it’s a genuine illness and the pressure of the life we lead ...blah blah blah. But I have a sneaking suspicion that if my slap therapy was deployed at the build up to an ‘episode’ things might be very different. Others in dire need of slap therapy last week were J K Rowling who not content with earning squillions appeared with a fetching quiver to her top lip, in New York, to plead her case. The judge said her work was gobbledegook, In my opinion, so was her case. Get a grip woman, and take a seat here, your slap therapy will be delivered very shortly. John Prescott the ex deputy prime minister was also referred for urgent therapy after confessing he had been suffering from Bulimia. He must have known that the guffaws that greeted his news would all but drown out J K Rowling’s snivelling. And what would make him reveal this hitherto unsuspected condition? Oh I don’t know, he wouldn’t have a book coming out would he? Oh he has. Right step this way please.

Group slap therapy for a Northern council who have fined a family £210 for having the lid of their bin open four inches. Why was that I hear you ask? Probably because his ridiculous council have cut down collections of rubbish to once a fortnight. Right, form an orderly queue, all of you and get your slap therapy here! A colleague asked me how long a prescribed course of Slap Therapy would be. Simple, until they stop doing it! Come on everyone lets make a stand for common sense, get people out to work so they don’t have time to develop all sorts of weird obsessions. And above all, if you feel yourself feeling the urge whine, moan, obsess or otherwise become a total pain in the rear end to the rest of us, especially if you re a celebrity with nothing to whine about, BOOK YOUR SLAP THERAPY NOW!